theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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