an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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