i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
