Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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