You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
He better not be in your backpack
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Randomize
