apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
