Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Sorry about my life...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
