We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
