bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
