There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
