I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
