you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
