Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
