Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
