...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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