Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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