you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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