i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
