Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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