On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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