how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
