Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
