At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Randomize
