everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
