My underwear smells like fireworks.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Houston, we have a squirter
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
