i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
areolas are like halos for boobs.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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