Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
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