I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
