I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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