tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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