dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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