i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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