what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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