The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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