Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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