So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
