New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
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