Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
