my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
