i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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