Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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