Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
