On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
