My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
