Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
