thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
