can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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