Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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