at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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