2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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