I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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