Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
