I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
