JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
