ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
