he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
