Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Congratulations! We have a period
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