is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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