Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
