i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
