the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
