this just has baby written all over it
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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