The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
