I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
